The Great Morning Commute

Come on!

I have had a lot of life changes over the last year.  I have moved twice, I am short a husband and I have taken on more responsibility.  I work for the same company, but I now commute to Fresno, CA daily from Visalia, CA. 

I get in my car each morning anywhere from 7:25 to 8:15 and I get on California's highway 99.  I always hope for an uneventful ride at 79mph from my entrance from south Visalia onto the highway all the way to my exit in south Fresno.  I've seen fires, accidents, speed traps and more than my fair share of idiots. 

I drive with mathematical precision.  I calculate the probability that I will pass the person ahead of me before getting stuck behind the person in the next lane over who thinks the speed limit is 52mph.  For some reason, my fellow travelers have not figured this out.  They whip into the slower lane to pass and discover that they aren't going to make any headway and then whip back in behind me.  All the while I'm wondering if they think I like going below the speed limit in the fast lane. 

I don't yell out at cars, but I do have conversations with them.  "I didn't know they lowered the speed limit here to 54mph, good to know." or "Did they install a brake check on this section of highway?"

Summer Plans

My 35th birthday is looming near... 

I had a little bit of a meltdown when I was 29 and 30 was looking at me as July approached.  I remember thinking that I hadn't done anything with my life.  That I was a divorced woman with a 4 year old who was going nowhere in life.  I felt like I should have owned a home and been established.

Looking back, I am still at the job I had then, but I have gotten raises and made friends out of coworkers.  My existence now includes being a twice divorced woman with an almost 9 year old.  I still feel like I should have done more in life.  I should have finished school and gotten a few degrees and settled down doing something that challenges me daily. 

There are perks to the way life is right now though.  My son is safe and loved.  The company I work for let's me be there for him any time I need to be.  I have a steady paycheck that is all mine to pay bills for myself.  Sure, I'm living back at home, but that's what my son needs for now. 

I am planning to actually do things this summer.  Go places, see things, do something.  I have gotten the immediate family passes to the water park so that anytime the feeling strikes my son can talk someone into taking him to the water.  I am going to take the family to the beach when we can get the time figured out on a weekend.  It will be good to go out and do things and not be the person I've been over the past five years. 

So here is to 35 being the age where I put myself back together and rediscover who I am!

What is love?

According to the dictionary, love is as follows:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.

 I can safely say that now I have known all three of these versions of love.  For a very long time, I was mostly concerned with the third definition.  When my son was born, I felt the second.  I didn't have any profoundly tender, passionate affection for anybody until rather recently though.  I lived my life "loving" people, but maintaining a safe distance so that when they inevitably decided to leave me I wasn't hurt.  Let me tell you, that is no way to live. 

 Living in a relationship where everything has a cost is terrible.  I cooked, so you have to clean or I did the laundry so you have to put the kids to bed.  Tit for tat is not love, it's commerce.  I feel like love should be about doing things to make the other person happy and they should have the same outlook on life.  They should spend a good portion of their day smiling because they have you, not loathing what's become of you.  

The problem with love is that it stems from a chemical reaction and if you don't keep chasing that high, the chemicals go away.  That first time you are attracted to someone is fantastic.  The first smile, the first time you notice how blue their eyes are, the first time they speak and you hear something that you can't live without in their tone...  What happens five years later though, when you are living together and everything is about getting to work on time and what is for dinner?  Well, I'm thinking that there has to be a way to keep those first few "honeymoon" months in the forefront of your mind.  

Now, I'm definitely no expert on relationships.  I've failed so many times it is ridiculous.  Is it because I rush into these things and don't think about consequences?  Is it because I settle for what I think will be a comfortable existence?  I'd say all of those things have contributed to at least one of my failures.  

I think now that I am older, I am learning that I need to find someone who really understands me.  Someone who won't hate who I am later on because they have known exactly who I am from the beginning.  

I've been thinking about this a lot today as I was joking with an old friend about how I just can't seem to make it to seven years.  It's not the dreaded seven year itch, because I don't even get close to it.  I stay through the uphill battles and the strife and then I leave when it's headed back downhill.  

Perhaps lack of emotion gets the best of me.  I go into a relationship with only logic.  Somewhere down the line, my brain starts poking me and I realize that I didn't ever ask exactly how logical these relationships were.  I may have found someone with the right income and the right job, but did I consider how much experience with kids they had?  I find someone who has great drive and focus, but when they get home they lose all of that.  

So there it is, I'm going to quit over-thinking things and see where this follow your heart stuff takes me.   

 

A Lifelong Love of Literature

JRR Tolkien

It started when I was 3 years old.  I was given a set of books that were considered children's classics.  Charlotte's Web, The Trumpet of the Swan and others that I have since forgotten.  I had Charlotte's Web read to me so often that I memorized the entire tome.  I went into kindergarten as the only kid who could read and got segregated to a "reader's table" where I could silently read books several levels below my level while other kids discovered how to write the letter A. 

By the time I was in 3rd grade, I was being sent to the 4th grade for reading because that was as far as the elementary school I went to would go to provide for bored kids.  At home, I was reading books well beyond my age range, but at school I was still being given Dr Seuss books.  Instead of playing outside, I tucked myself away into my room and read voraciously.  Living life in the reality of others was far better than accepting my own reality. 

In 5th grade I took a short detour, I chose to play the violin and I stuck with it through high school.  It was good to have some other hobby, but I never really loved it.  I always felt like I was horrible at it and that it should have been left to far better violinists. 

By junior high, I had read an entire warehouse of books ranging from elementary level to college level.  My dad had gotten a job with a company that did the Scholastic Book Fairs and one of the perks was that they owners let me have as many books as I wanted to read.  This made it easy later when book reports were due to think back to a book that I particularly enjoyed and churn out an essay without having the added stress of actually reading the book on a time crunch. 

In high school, my laziness overtook my need to read as much as possible.  I cycled between honor's English classes and standard level courses because the standard teachers felt I wasn't challenged enough and the honor's teachers felt like I didn't care enough.  I guess they were all right.  I didn't want to read a book and write an entire paper about what the color green meant to me.  Reading was never about understanding every nuance of what the writer may or may not have intended.  For me, reading was an escape from reality and an entrance to a world where anything was possible.

As an adult, I gave up reading for a time.  I read maybe two books a year for quite some time. Then I got the Kindle app on my first iPhone and the drought was over (and my bank account was sad).  I read any book that was popular just to know what people were talking about.  I rarely went to see a book-based movie without having first read the book so that I could compare the director's vision with the original author's story telling. 

My son is very good at reading, and I was hoping he would get more from me than my love of tech and video games.  He is good about sitting down and reading whole books, but I fear he doesn't challenge himself enough because he only does what is required and not what he is capable of.  I tell him that books are a gateway to whole other worlds and that they can be infinitely better than watching TV shows or playing video games, but he just doesn't feel the same spark I did as a kid.

My favorite genre of books is sci-fi/fantasy.  I prefer to be transported to fantastical worlds that hold no resemblance to this life and the stresses of normal life.  When I read a book that is centered on reality, like Gone Girl, I feel myself thinking about how insane the protagonist is for taking the actions they take.  Whereas in The Lord of the Rings, I felt like I could rationalize what they were doing because maybe I don't know what it's like in Middle Earth. 

So here is to cracking a book and leaving the world for a little while...

Getting to know me

I decided I would write the answers to some questions that are out of my comfort zone.

1.       Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Hmm, this is a hard one. I love the idea of sitting and talking to one of the world’s greatest minds, but would I be the worst dinner date ever to them? I think so. I would love to sit and have a chat with Elon Musk, see what goes on in his head when he thinks of some idea and has the means and ability to make those thoughts reality.  That must be amazing.

2.      Would you like to be famous? In what way?

I would only want to be famous if I could guarantee that I would be left alone.  I would hate being followed or have pictures taken of me.  I want to know people and have people know me, but I don’t want them to need to talk to me and interrupt my daily life.

3.      Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

Before I make a phone call to a business, I have tons of anxiety about what I am going to say or how I could potentially mess things up.  I don’t tend to answer my phone for numbers I don’t know.  Calls to friends or family are rare, but they are comfortable and don’t require mental scripts.

4.      What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?

1.        Waking up fully rested. 

2.       Driving to the beach. 

3.       Eating lunch watching the waves. 

4.      Reading a book while I listen to the ocean. 

5.       An afternoon boat ride. 

6.      Dinner at a restaurant overlooking the sea. 

7.       Massage at a hotel

8.      Sitting on the balcony drinking some cocktails

9.      Snuggling into bed with the person I love.

5.      When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

I sing to myself anytime I hear music, so about two minutes ago listening to Pandora.  The last time I purposefully sang at someone was singing to my son to comfort him to sleep when he didn’t feel good.  I would say tons of people fall prey to hearing me unintentionally though.

6.     If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

This is an amazing question.  I would choose the mind of a 30 year old because I wouldn’t want to give up the wisdom of the 90 years of life to something like dementia.  I have never been one to care too much about my body.

7.      Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

My guess would be that I will die of old age after a long, boring, monotonous life.  I don’t break out of the mold very often.

8.     Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

1.        Sense of humor

2.       Intellect

3.       Goals

9.     For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

I am grateful for my son.  I have not always been the most patient person, but he teaches me that I am not the least patient person either.  There are some days where he drives me crazy, but I wouldn’t trade those crazy days for anything.

10.  If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Wow, I would change so much about how I was raised.  My mother worked all day to ensure that we had the food we needed and the clothes to wear.  They weren’t ever in style or even remotely cute, but her work ethic has stuck with me throughout my life.  I would say I would change how often I got to be with my mom.  Maybe give her a better, more high paying job so that she would have had less stress in life and been more present. 

11.    Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

I was born in Modesto, CA.  My grandma lived there until her death, so we visited biannually after we moved to Visalia, CA.  I went to school in Visalia, got my friends there and I always return to there.  I went away to college at 17 for one semester before I left and became someone’s wife at the ripe age of 18.  I was divorced by 23 and sort of floating in life.  I moved to Phoenix, AZ and I had my son when I was 25, I turned 26 ten days later.  He became my primary focus in life and I became more obsessed with providing for his wellbeing.  I moved back to California when my son was 17 months old.  I worked a job that I didn’t love for a company that I didn’t trust.  When I left there, I decided that I was going to redirect and find a place that I could feel appreciated.  I found the job I am currently in 5 years ago and it has had its moments when I wondered why I got out of bed to attend, but for the most part I love my coworkers and I love my job.  Oh and somewhere in there I got married again and divorced again.

12.   If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

If I could wake up tomorrow with one ability, it would be an eidetic memory.  Think of the possibilities!

13.   If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I would want to know where I wind up.  How it turns out.

14.   Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

I would love to travel more.  I want to see the world and experience the awesome things that are out there.  I haven’t done it because I care too little about my own stuff and focus too much on how work is going or how my son is doing or any myriad of other things that aren’t “me”.

15.   What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

The greatest accomplishment in my life has been being able to walk away when things weren’t healthy for me or my child.  I’ve never been one of those women that stuck around because it was the norm or because I didn’t feel like I could stand on my own two feet.  That isn’t to say that I don’t try to fix what is going on in the relationship or that I don’t want to find someone I can have “forever” with.  I just won’t be taken for granted, I won’t be someone’s last priority and I sure as hell won’t be so dependent on another person that I can’t be my own person.

16.  What do you value most in a friendship?

I value people who are willing to call me on my bullshit.  I need people who can see what I am doing and be able to say, “Hey, you need to be more objective.”  I cherish the friendships that are not gentle with me.

17.   What is your most treasured memory?

This one is tough.  I would love to say it was when I had my son, but that was miserable.  I choose the first time Holden told me he loved me.  The moment I knew that my little boy was a caring and loving individual who I had raised to be kind and nurturing.

18.  What is your most terrible memory?

I had one of those childhoods that people write books about and you read them the whole time thinking, “I am so glad I didn’t have to live that”.  So, I would say that the giant chunk of my life that is mentally blocked probably has some pretty awful stuff tucked in there.  More recently? When I realized that my most recent ex wasn’t ever going to be the person I needed him to be. 

19.  If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

I would work less and I would be present more.  I tend to shut out the world and my life and just try to seek quiet in my own mind. 

20. What does friendship mean to you?

Friendship means crawling back to someone over and over because you realize that they knew you were being an idiot, but you also know they aren’t going to rub your face in it because they love you and they’ve been waiting for you to figure it out.

21.   What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Love hasn’t ever been something I really understood until recently.  I’ve always equated physical touch to love and I haven’t been able to detach the two.  I am working on grasping the idea that someone can love me from all the way across the world and it doesn’t make it any less loving than a person who shares a home with me.  I used to hate affection, I felt stifled by it.  I took a test in college that ranked emotional personality and I ranked pretty close to dead inside.  I wanted no affection and I only cared about mental connections a little bit.  I’m much better about affection now.  I hug friends and I hold my son and I look forward to being in the arms of someone who truly loves me.

22.  Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

I guess I will answer this as the things I want:

1.        Kindness

2.       Sincerity

3.       Trust

4.      Warmth

5.       Attraction

23.  How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

I don’t feel like my childhood was happier than most other’s.  I don’t feel like it was the worst in the world either.  My family is not necessarily very close.  We talk, we are friends on Facebook, but we are mostly a holidays and special occasions family.

24.  How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

I feel like my relationship with my mother could be better.  We are from such different times that she doesn’t understand why I would choose to play a video game to relax (as she crushes candy for hours on the iPhone she has permanently attached to her hand). She feels like I don’t raise my son in exactly the way I should and I guess all moms feel that way.  I love her and I appreciate all of the sacrifices she made for me when I was growing up and I appreciate that she taught me what it was like to be strong.

25.   Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had someone with whom I could share … ‘

I wish I had someone with whom I could share… everything.  I want a person who understands me and doesn’t look at me like I’m crazy when I say what I want or when I talk about something I love.

26. If you were going to become a close friend with someone, share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m offensive.  I don’t normally edit myself very well (especially my facial expressions).  I have chewed out CEOs for things I think they have done wrong and I have told employees that they have one more question to ask before they are cut off for a week.  I’m an equal opportunity jerk.

27.  Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

I once played an entire violin solo with my tongue out in front of the entire school and all the parents in attendance.

28. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

I cried in front of another person a few months ago when I thought I lost a friend.  And by myself, probably when I had the flu and I was frustrated that I was sick.

29. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

Nothing, I’m not easily offended.

30.  If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

I would regret not telling my son that he is good enough and strong enough to get through life no matter what comes his way.  I haven’t told him because he is too young to care at this point.

31.   Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

I would save my son’s baby book with pictures of when he first came home. 

32.  Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

I don’t like to think about it, but my mom’s death would be disturbing.  She’s the glue that holds our family together.  Without her, I fear we wouldn’t see each other or talk to each other at all.  Slightly more disturbing would be my son’s death, but I can’t even think about that.